It has been so long since I have posted. It is frustrating that I still have had such a fear of acceptance and approval over sharing MY personal journey. The amount of amazing messages and comments I have received from this blog have meant more to me than I can put into words, but the negative feedback sometimes hinders my ability to share. I never wanted people to think I wasn’t strong enough to persevere. I will admit, after all that I have been through, I still fear that there are people rolling their eyes out there. In fact, I think that my fear has only grown since taking a break from writing. I have a pretty large fear of rejection and how can I really blame myself. It was a year full of abandonment of every kind. I lost major parts of myself that honestly were my entire life. These were the very things that defined who I was. My health, my body, my relationship, my home, my family, and my career. My mortality, the life I had created for myself, loved ones, and my passion had all been ripped away from me at 30 years old. When I first started writing I think I was still running on adrenaline but naturally, that all came to a halt. I don’t want to pretend that I have it all together and my life is perfect. It is far from perfect but there are so many beautiful parts of my life that keep me going, maybe not always at full speed, but keep be upright nonetheless and help me to strive for the best. I literally had to recreate my path of life. I didn’t just go through a break-up, I didn’t just lose my job, and I didn’t just battle through breast cancer, three major surgeries, and all the ugly pain that came with it. I had to battle everything, one after another, and on top of each other, in addition to a whole lot more.
Something that I can honestly say, never judge someones struggle. It might not be the struggle you know or have endured, but it is their struggle, their pain. Maybe you can not relate and maybe it doesn’t seem that bad, but to someone it is everything. It might consume them to a point that you can never understand. Some of us are stronger than others, and that is OK. Over the course of our lives, our strength will change and adjust to the situations we go through. Sometimes, not right away and we find ourselves hurting beyond measure until we can muster up that strength to get through and then sometimes that strength disappears and we are left trying to keep our heads above water until we can get it back, if it comes back. I went through most of my breast cancer journey on adrenaline. I had strength that I didn’t realize was inside of me, but it came when needed. Not everyday was like that though. Sometimes I found and still find myself so low but never wanted to share that part. To be honest, I got through and still get through some of what feels like my darkest days because of the support I have around me. The people in my life made it not just bearable, but surprisingly pleasant. They made me smile when I didn’t want to or even think I can. They sat in the hospital with me when I really just wanted to be alone. They stayed up all night with me when I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor because my heart was so badly broken after completely losing myself. Thank God I was never alone though. Even after everything that has happened, I sit here today still quite broken. Something that I learned, the pain doesn’t just go away. It get’s less and a bit easier over time but the scars will remain. I am blessed with so much but what I have had to suffer through still haunts me. I have physical and mental pain that I deal with daily and that had to become my new normal. I suppressed so much with that much needed strength but no one, and I mean no one, could possibly get through it all unscathed. I am a feeler. I don’t like to brush my feelings under the rug. I need to feel, go through, and accept. I have accepted that it is ok to not be fine. It is ok to not have it all together. It is ok to take time for yourself, for your soul, for your heart. The journey really is never over.
I said it before, but I often don’t want to follow through with my blog. It can be painful, and hard to share but I just took a huge hiatus, and it didn’t feel right. I am constantly and continuously sharing my story to people I meet and cross paths with and every time that I do, I am reminded why I am supposed to be sharing. That even if this helps just one person, it is worth it. I have been working on a very intimate project that I look forward to sharing one day when the time is right but until then, I will continue to share my story here. Thank you, thank you for following along my journey and making me feel a little less alone with your shared stories and feedback. Please keep reaching out to me. How we continue to overcome is important. We may never be 100%, but is anyone really? We all have this awful fear of appearing like we don’t have it together and maybe even convincing ourselves that we need to or there is something wrong with us. Social media may make it seem that way by only showing the good stuff but I think that it is important to share it ALL and I plan to do that because just like the name of my blog, It’s Always Something. It isn’t always terrible, but I doubt anyone can say that there life is flawless. Embrace the ugly and don’t fear the vulnerability. No one has it all together. It’s ok to not be OK. You are not alone.
3 thoughts on “It’s OK to not be OK”
I’m so glad you’re writing again.You are an inspiration to all of us,plus I’m sure you’re inspiring yourself!
You are the real deal with so much wisdom you have to share.I love you and I will never forget your strength and passion to go forward.(it only is a year since your life was rocked to it’s core)I’m sure you can be all that you can be. Love you so much, Mommy
I kinda think post-treatment is more challenging than when in treatment. Everyone assumes we’re “back to normal”… If only! Hope you keep writing, Janine. Thanks – Helen
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