It had been a week since that dreaded diagnosis call. A week where my entire life had been completely thrown upside down an thrown in a total whirlwind. It felt like a year had gone by. I couldn’t remember life pre C.
When I was diagnosed, my work graciously told me to take as much time as I needed. I craved normalcy so I was set to return this Monday morning. I woke up that morning and remembered how innocent I was the week prior. How I woke thinking I was healthy and had NO idea what kind of call I was about to get and how my world as I knew it was about to change. It made me shudder.
I woke up on this morning February 15, 2016 ready to get back to work when my phone rang. I noticed the number was from my doctors office and for a second I had a flashback of the week prior. I answered, it was my GP on the other end. “Hi Janine, I don’t know how to say this but there was an issue with your tests, with everything going on, we are going to need you to come in for a colposcopy to rule out cervical cancer.” I collapse again. “What? I thought you said everything looked normal?” “We thought it did but the lab just sent us these official results and it looks like theres abnormality.”
Now I know abnormal results are fairly common but not today. Not when a week prior I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Cancer, something that spreads. This new bit of information sent me spiraling. Had my cancer spread? Unable to breathe, I called my Mom. I was still there from the weekend and she had just left to go to the gym. She started to scream in a panic and turned around. She came home and called my dad, more panic. I felt like I was in the twilight zone and was having flashbacks to the previous Monday.
I called my boss and let her know that I would need some more time. Another completely unexpected phone call has thrown me entirely off course. I couldn’t wrap my head around everything that was coming in. I wanted to be sure that I was processing because as a psych major, I know the importance of processing information so that it doesn’t get stashed away somewhere and then come out to haunt you. This was just too much to process. I would be ok right? I couldn’t possibly be dying?
I hadn’t yet met with an oncologist so I didn’t know who to call. I called my surgical oncologist and they were concerned but had no answers. I call my holistic doctor and he tells me that it wouldn’t necessarily make sense that it would spread to my cervix or vice versa but he didn’t have the answers. either.
How is this happening? Nothing made sense anymore. I have never felt less invincible. I felt like a ticking time bomb with no answers. I wanted to remain strong and put together for my family and my boyfriend. I didn’t want them to understand the fear in my mind. I had to put on a brave face because I didn’t need them to worry. It was exhausting though. I could barely see straight. I needed to get through this week of doctors appointments and the dreaded MRI. I knew that would give us more answers and to be quite honest, I wasn’t sure I was quite ready for them.