What Just Happened…

It’s always something isn’t it? That’s what i always thought. I always thought that my life was full of a bunch of random events that never made sense. I felt lucky in so many ways but often wondered if other people felt the same. Everything seemed like such a big deal, until January 19, 2016. Now I am no writer, no aspiring blogger, not really one to sit down and pour my every feeling and thought down on paper. Mainly because I don’t have the patience or discipline to do so, but also because my speciality has never been grammar. I sure as hell have no problem talking your ear off though! But here I am, exactly one year from the start of my nightmare and it just came to me. I want to share my story, share my experience, maybe make someone out there feel less alone and misunderstood. We all have our time and a quote comes to mind… “Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breath in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.” It isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies, but shit… when it rains, it pours. Every time someone tells me their 2016 was the worst year ever, I feel like saying “oh did you get diagnosed with breast cancer at age 30, lose your breasts, lose your partner of 5 years, lose your grandmother, then lose your job?” I am going to go ahead and say no. Please don’t think I am discounting anyone else’s heartache or pain. We all have our shit, it’s always something right?

So I guess my story starts here. January 19, 2016. I was in my doctor’s office because I kept having really bizarre medical issues. I was hospitalized for pneumonia and quarantined with scarlet fever. I started losing my hair and they told me I had alopecia. Wait what?! I was convinced that I was dying so I demanded they run every test they had. A classic hypochondriac but I mean sometimes you just know it’s not right. Every test was fine and in complete exhaustion and frustration I looked up and saw a sign that they now had a gynecologist on staff. I remembered I was due for my annual so I made the appointment.                                      So here I am on January 19, 2016 pretty sure they were going to find that something was wrong with me. She did my exam and said everything looked fine but then she did my breast exam and had a worried look on her face.

“Janine, I feel a lump here on your right breast. It’s most likely nothing but I want you to get an ultrasound to get it checked out.” Stomach drop…..All I heard was, Janine, you are dying. She assured me that i would be fine but I just had a weird feeling. I left that day feeling hopeless and confused with an occasional, stop it you are such a hypochondriac. I must have asked every woman I know if this has ever  happened and I got a whole lot of “Yep happened to me, it’s definitely nothing.” The irony of this is, it was actually nothing.. but it’s always something…